Of Pride and (off the) Precipice

I have had to learn some very tough lessons in the past 18 months, mostly about myself, and it has not been fun. I  have found myself in free fall, having leapt from safety, trusting in tales of survival from others.  I believed that I could create my own story, and found that, in real life, happy endings are not guaranteed.

A leap of faith – Picture from Assassin’s Creed

Now, having found a temporary place of safety and, once again, helping others to achieve, I am able to reflect and feel able to share some of my lessons. I hope it is of interest to some and useful to a few of you; but that is not why I am writing. For me, it is about coming out of the shadows, stopping the bullshit and being honest about where I am and how I got here.

Ok, the tough bit first. I have been depressed for about a year, and struggling for much longer. I could say that this was because of the failed free school bid I was involved with, but the truth is that this was only one factor.

I could say it is because, for the first time in my life, finding suitable work has doggedly refused to come my way.  On top of that, I have been invited to interviews for great jobs which I have been told I was suitable for, but then not offered. After a certain number of those knockbacks, it can really get you down.  It is hard to go from a C level post to …  a few scraps of freelance work and some p/t teaching – right (hint: do not take any notice of that last ‘feeling sorry for myself’ nonsense).  Someone on Twitter pointed out that returning the the classroom was a huge step down for me  –  which did little for my falling  sense of confidence. But, that isn’t the whole story.

I could say, that it is because; having over invested in the free school project, home improvements, keep a roof over our heads and protecting family life… in other words… being skint, … is the cause of my depression. But lots of people are this position – and I though it is part of the problem – it is not the reason.

The truth is, my pride over-reached my capacity and (rather harder to admit) my ability. I did things that I thought were right, even noble. I make decisions and built plans that were not carefully thought-through enough. I gambled. I am depressed, because I have been a fool.

Lesson 1 – You know, when people you trust and who you know have your interests at heart say “You’re very brave.” what they are really saying is: “You are mad, don’t do it!”

If you know me, you’ll know my views on the National Lottery and gambling generally. I have a subscription to Which, and have to listen to the weather forecast before heading out. Yet, I gambled. Somehow I felt that the normal rules did not apply to me.   What was this, if not pride?

Lesson 2 – If you cannot afford to be in the game, don’t play.

Now, I do not think that pride is a bad thing, and of course I realise that to achieve anything worth doing you need to risk… but a smart person risks just enough and has a good sense of the resources available to them.

I also failed to listen to the smart and kind voices of friends in my PLN, and take up the offers of help. Again, some of that was stupidity – but a lot of it was pride. I would like to apologise to all those who made the effort to try to stop me falling or to find me a safe place to land.

One day I realised that I had run out of luck, smarts, money and time – and found that I had no resilience left.  At this point, I could not see how to pick myself up. I wanted my old life back; wanted to undo the bad decisions I made, wanted to find out what I had done wrong.

Fortunately, I am blessed to be loved by a very smart woman who nudged me to see that this was an opportunity to rebuild on less shaky foundations. To not build esteem on social media ‘noise’, size of paypacket and status.

So, I find myself starting to build again. I am doing something cool and important every morning in a primary school near to home – teaching Year 6 kids who are struggling – using some innovative approaches; building their resilience and emotional wellbeing. I am also leading the curriculum review for the school, managing the project, and helping introduce alternative and innovative pedagogies to the school community.

I hope I have learned not to believe my own bullshit – and I hope that, next time I have a good thing going (professionally) I will have the sense to value it.

Finally, thank you to my amazing wife and glorious kids, who have kept me sane and from sinking.

So,… it’s out there… I said it.  Now I can get on with rebuilding. Wish me luck.