Balancing

Even on #WorldMentalHealthDay , admitting that you have had a hard time, outside of a support group, gets conflicted responses from most people. So when good news come, everyone heaves a big sigh of relief. But that isn’t always helpful.

Outside of family, and close friends, your struggle is hard to fit into the normal day-to-day chat. So, when things pick up, there is a palpable sense of relief; happiness for what you have achieved, that the situation you and your family might get better, that you might find a purpose in the new job, and that the awkwardness of sharing their own news (“Hey, I got a promotion/that job/raise/etc”) will reduce.

I don’t mean that most folk are mean spirited, or in anyway resentful of hearing your troubles (though that does happen). I just mean that it is hard to find a way to accommodate, calibrate reactions to, and respond accordingly to a complex problem – especially one where mental health is involved. It’s hard to say the right thing, listen and be therapeutic.

For a number of reasons, I have not had the easiest time over the past  four years. There have been ups, but the downs compounded into a dip into depression which surprised most people who know me. It kinda crept up on me, and by the time I realised it was there, I’d lost the ability to let people help me.

So,.. now that things look like they are on the up, (and I am no longer depressed), I want to stay healthy. But, ignoring what happened, or clambering to get back to how I was, makes me worry that I’ll drop back ‘down’. This is why I wanted to write about it, and wanted to share.

One of the biggest lessons of this period has been that I have learned how to build my mental state, not around ‘Highs’ and striving – but around a healthier balance, being more realistic about, and aware of, the here and now; and doing more of what makes me healthy.

A big part of that was being back in the classroom, rediscovering my passion for teaching – or at least helping kids learn. I found new interests, professionally …and personally (including a new obsession with Ultimate Frisbee – I am now as brilliant as the people in this vid)

There is a whole post about how important and amazing my family have been, but they don’t need to read about that here – and nor do you. Just know that however depressed you are, your family are your best way out.

Of course, so much of this might sound like a load of mushy platitudes, and smack of the worst sort of quasi-mindfulness BS. Well, maybe…. and maybe I should just count myself lucky and be happy! But, once you’ve seen how thin the ice can be to ‘happiness’, it is hard to skim across it so blithely.

You see, It would be very easy, especially with a relatively high-profile job, with a team to manage, and the little status that comes with the role, to believe that “I’m back, to where I should be!”

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity that BCS has offered me, and I think I can do justice to the job and maybe achieve a little more, for more than my family,  than making a living. This, in of itself, would be great. But, my potential to do good work has been there all the way through, even if my self belief took a pounding. I had to find solid ground without the status and security of ‘career’,

So, you see, the job changes everything, and nothing. I am still a person who has had a brush with depression – just one who has been lucky enough to be able to not defined, or more damaged by it. I hope I can keep learning from it, ‘lean into it’ (as the mindfulness folk say) and maybe do some good work along the way.

Thanks for all the support along the way, for those who reached out beyond my claims that I was fine (when I wasn’t), and to those who reminded me that I have something to offer – and some more good work to do.